Chemotherapy

Yesterday was my final day in the BGC (big girl chair as my breast cancer gang call it). Mary came with me and did some filming so maybe one day soon you can all see our wonderful chemo setting on the 6th floor of the Vancouver cancer agency. Though maybe a bit hard to believe, I have found over the course of my 8 chemo sessions, that it is a warm and positive place. As patients we are all there hoping that our treatments will put our different cancers at bay. Often there is a genuine wish to share experiences and the volunteers some with dogs in tow, some with their own cancer stories to tell all add to the mix. The nurses are all warm and caring and so knowledgeable.

Our chemo floor does not have a big bell to ring at the end of chemo as many American ones do but I am not sure that I really wanted that anyway. I was happy to have the sessions end but I am not quite there yet with feeling it is the end. Many patients are back with recurrences and in the back of my mind I know there is that chance for me too. I am not going to dwell on that but it is a reality. My nurse, Jen did give me a big hug and the other patients in my room wished me well.

Before I got my Taxol each time I got 20 mg of Dexamethosone and 50 mg of Benadryl IV. These are to ward off any allergic reactions mainly from the solvents used to render the Taxol infusible. So I turn in a bit of a zombie for awhile with dry mouth and slurred speech. Oh well, a small price to pay for no allergies and the benefit is lots of steroid energy for a couple of days following, like today!

Now for my chemo comments. On another blog I am following, a young woman also here in Vancouver with breast cancer, posted what she called a "Letterman" style list of the 10 worst things about chemo. Funnily enough just a few days prior while waiting between yet more appointments, I had made my own list. I used two pages, one for positive and one for negatives. The negatives won!

Negatives:

• loss of the hair on my head~~buzz cut video way back in October. 
• hair loss everywhere else I have hair~~most annoying has been nose hair as my nose runs non stop outside especially when walking, hiking or snowshoeing. One day I was leaning over to grab some toilet paper in a public bathroom just prior to a hike and snot suddenly poured out so fast it left a puddle on the floor. I read and laughed out loud when a fellow BC writer described doing the same on a boardroom table!
• watery eyes due to dryness caused by chemo and drugs taken along with chemo
• dry nose with bleeding especially at night if I end up nose breathing~~no nose hair does not help.
• dry skin and more age spots (hope that is just my imagination!)
• mouth sores~~compromised immune system
• diarrhoea, constipation
• nausea
• loss of taste buds
• weight and muscle loss
• fatigue
• unmentionable infections
• anaemia, neutropenia
• headache and fevers
• muscle pain 
• neuropathy (this is the latest for me from taxol)
• chemo brain~~this is a very real consequence but seems that it is reversible. 
• fear, anxiety, anger, frustration

Positives:

• Chances for reflection on what is important (and not so important).
• Understanding what I am grateful for.
• Having my family support me and make me laugh (and cry sometimes).
• Renewal of friendships.
• Knowledge that my chance of survival is greatly increased.
• Meeting other cancer patients and hearing their stories.
• Knowing what an amazing cancer center we have in Vancouver. 

 BC Cancer Agency chemo room~~last infusion!

Celebratory glass of wine with Dick last night!

  

Treatment plans and ocean crossings...

Last July I booked one way award tickets for Dick and me to fly to Turkey. Our Prout 39 catamaran has been based in Turkey since 1997 and last year we finally made the decision to sail across the Mediterranean and Atlantic to the Caribbean. When we lived in Saudi Arabia, having a boat in Turkey made sense. We still love Turkey but now that we are back in Canada with the same northern hemisphere winters, it made sense to move our boat to a warm winter destination.

We took a course called "the psychology of cruising" last spring and I was able to shed some of my reservations about long distance cruising. Dick is the real sailor and has done ocean crossings as recently as 2009 when he crossed the Atlantic on a catamaran owned by friends. He has also spent countless hours preparing our boat for this adventure. It has been his dream for decades to sail part way around the world and I was "onboard" (pun intended) at last.

Two weeks after I booked those one way tickets, I found the lump. Even then, we anticipated that after my lumpectomy, radiation would follow and I would still be ready to go by spring, 2013. As we all know, plans change and in this case the our plans have changed dramatically.

So there are now two plans. One is my treatment plan and other involves Dick sailing from Bodrum, Turkey to the Caribbean without me. My plan takes me well into next fall and Dick's plan tentatively has him leaving Bodrum in July and arriving in the Caribbean in December. His plan requires that he find crew for all stages of the journey. Weather and the boat standing up to thousands of miles of rigorous sailing will also play a part if he finds his crew.

My plan is less tentative though with breast cancer I have found that there is no certainty. On March 5th I will have a full mastectomy, axillary dissection and the first part of a two stage reconstruction. Following surgery and healing I will have 5-6 weeks of daily radiation. This should take me well into June. With a minimum of 3-6 months after radiation, I will have the second stage of reconstruction. Ins'allah (god willing) was a word much used in our 18 years in the Middle East and we still find ourself using it. So ins'allah this plan will actually work out.

Both plans involve strength and determination and a possible separation of many months. I will also have to ask our good friends for a continuation of support that has been so readily been given.

Christmas in the Caribbean does sound good. Stay posted for updates. Conversations continue.

Photo taken by Dean French August, 2012.

2013 - a new year with breast cancer...

As I sit in our sunny living room this afternoon, still in my pyjamas, I ponder what I really want to write about. I have a long "to-do" list that just keeps getting longer but yesterday I decided to kind of take today off with the goal of posting on my blog and if that is the only thing I get done, so be it.

I was glad to see the end of 2012. Though Christmas did turn out to be fun, I was never really well. The last days of the year found me in dark places again, Low grade fevers persisted and I found myself again with too much time to think but not enough energy to even go to a yoga class or walk very far. I imagined worse case cancer scenarios and became increasingly impatient. My behaviour must have been almost intolerable for Dick as I vented my anger and frustration on the person closest to me.

I saw my oncologist on New Year's Eve and she started me on a new antibiotic. Either that and/or the sun that came out in the new year gave me a new perspective yet again as I started to feel better. I am learning that illness renders weakness that for me is hard to comprehend and live with and it takes wellness to understand that. I read back in my journals (sketchy as they are) from past years and found that I have struggled each winter since our return to Canada with what some people call SAD, or seasonal affective disorder. Even though I felt almost guilty then, that I could allow myself to wallow in despair, this year was compounded by breast cancer and illness caused by chemotherapy.

My recovery over the past 10 days has included another cycle of Taxol, my latest chemotherapy which could have laid me low. Instead I have felt almost "well," and have fleeting thoughts of what life might be like after chemo. I was able to snowshoe with friends on Tuesday and hike with my club yesterday.

When I checked in on Facebook today, there were many new posts. One of them was written by an old friend from our Vancouver school days and could not have been more timely ~~~ "lessons in practical optimism - those who have the strength can carry mountains." He wrote this while adding a link to this blog. For those of you reading this, you will know that the photo of me here has Mt. Everest in the background. In 2008 that was the hardest thing I had ever done. Breast cancer treatment is now the hardest thing I have ever done but with friends like Steve who wrote that post, I will conquer this and strive to "carry more mountains."

Maybe too I will learn that strength comes in different forms. What I have considered as weakness may not be that at all. Uncertainty is unsettling too but again, this is a new norm and something else that I can and need to learn from. Though the roller coaster ride continues, every positive step and thought is a step forward. I cannot always stop the negative thoughts but I can work to minimize them!

2013 was also the start of an amazing goal for our youngest child, Andy now age 20. He is raising money for "Right to Play." I am adding his link:

http://righttoplay.akaraisin.com/pledge/Participant/Home.aspx?seid=2962&mid=9&pid=1206565

Andy has already completed 6 triathlons since his first on January 1. Twice so far he has asked me to walk part of the 10 k runs. Normally he actually runs them but I was so happy that we had those walks together this past week and I look forward to many more. Maybe I will even be able to manage 10 k one of these days.

The photo was taken on Tuesday on Cypress Mountain. It was pouring rain in town but snowing lightly on the mountain. I look forward to more!