Two years later....

It has been several months since I last wrote a blog entry. I have continued to write what I consider to be boring entries in my personal journal just to be able to look back and try and make sense of what I have felt over time. There seems to be a sense for most people on the outside that once active treatment and surgeries are over, that life will get back on track as it was before. Of course I am couple of years older but I look normal and for all intents and purposes, cancer is over for me or there is "no evidence of disease." There is no sure way of knowing what is really happening so that is the best answer we breast cancer warriors (I dislike the word survivor) get.

After I returned from my travels in Nepal and Turkey I spent a long weekend in Montana at a Big Sky Yoga Retreat which I mentioned in another blog. David Greer nominated me for this retreat and I joined 7 other women in various stages of life after breast cancer  treatment for yoga, horses, awesome food and wine and much more. We talked a lot too as only women can, especially those who have shared so much. I felt blessed to have been a part of that adventure and many wonderful and selfless people rallied round to make it happen for us in a most amazing setting.

http://www.bigskyyogaretreats.com/cowgirlcancer.html

Big Sky Yoga Retreat~~June, 2014

Dick picked me up after the retreat and we had a fun time camping through Montana into Alberta and spent time with good friends in Calgary and Edmonton. We camped our last night before home in Marble Canyon along the Lillooet Whistler highway. Beautiful!

Marble Canyon, BC

That was back in early June and now the summer is slowly turning to fall. It has been a spectacular summer weather-wise for us in BC. One might think that those months now past would have led me to say how lucky and blessed I am to have had these wonderful opportunities not to mention that fact that here I am alive and seemingly well. I did in fact feel that way as I trained for my second short course triathlon in July. Mary and Andy both did it with me July 27, the exact date and second anniversary of my diagnosis and it was a success~~no falling off my bike this year  and with the kids encouraging me throughout the course it was actually kind of fun.

But something about that two year anniversary date and the appointments at the cancer agency with my medical oncologist~~six month check up plus other followups for my throat lump and CT for the lung nodule triggered another downward spiral. Waking up on a sunny day feeling nothing but blackness triggers guilty feelings because I can't really articulate any good reasons for feeling so down. Then I subject Dick and the kids to my negative behaviour and on it goes. I know I am not alone as my breast cancer buddies all chime in as their anniversaries coincide. I read my journal entries looking for answers~~is there a pattern? I know from past experiences in recent times that suddenly the grey filmy veil of unhappiness lifts but what I don't really know is why. I am hopeful that by reading what I have written in the past weeks along with writing this blog post today, I will again feel inspired to challenge myself to do things that I know will make work towards the glass half full person I want to be again.

I head to Nepal in late September for yet another Annapurna trek with a new group and the training for that do create those endorphins which certainly help with feelings of well being. We hiked to Garibaldi Lake on Thursday with my seniors' hiking group~~18 k return with 1000 meters of elevation gain and though my quads and hips complained the past couple of days it made me realize that I am so happy in the mountains. If anyone wants to join us, there is still room!

http://samsarajourneys.com/trips.php?trip=52

Garibaldi Lake near Whistler, BC on August 21, 2014

Lunch with family and a friend on Friday

So after writing this entry and adding these photos I know I needed to write in my blog again. How important family and friends are and life no matter its ups and downs has just reaffirmed just how blessed I am. I suspect I may be heading back to "glass half full."

Turkey in the spring with Mary...

Spring in Istanbul with my daughter Mary~~a huge contrast from my weeks in Nepal but really the two cannot be compared. Ann Nevans, the owner of the Empress Zoe Hotel where we have been staying since 1996, offered me a free stay once my breast cancer treatment ended. Since I was unable to sail with my husband from Turkey to the Caribbean last year this was an amazing bonus especially as Mary is spending a year in Turkey.

We have 5 nights here in Istanbul and have made the most of it so far. Yesterday we walked for hours through parts of the city where tourists seem not to venture. Mosques, crumbling Ottoman buildings, ancient churches and glimpses of the Golden Horn along with its eclectic population were our reward. At dusk we took a ferry to the Asian side to meet up with an old friend Serra, a Turkish/Canadian who Mary went to school with in Saudi Arabia where we lived for many years.

In the last post, I talked about how I have gone days without really thinking about breast cancer. That is probably not accurate but what has happened is that I have not dwelt on it and when I do think about it, I am not worried about it but rather think about how different my perspective is now. Leaving Vancouver and the past 18 months of treatment, surgeries and so on have allowed myself yet again to open my eyes to the world and how lucky I am. It is not all rose coloured by any means and in fact today I felt so tired that I felt sick.

Fast forward a few weeks and I am back in Vancouver. Once Mary and I left Istanbul we were pretty much on the go and I happily let go of my computer for much of that time~~only the short times we were at Mary's home in Sanliurfa did I even have Internet.

Istanbul has for 2 decades been one of my favourite cities but this time I found it noisy, dusty and though we enjoyed our walks and the beauty of spring in the parks, we were happy to set off on our adventure to SE Turkey where Mary currently lives. On our first day, we used 7 modes of transport~~taxi to a ferry to the port of Yalova, but a bus and tram to actually get to the city of Bursa where we had a wonderful Turkish breakfast complete with endless tea. Travelling with Mary has always been fun and with her increasing ability to speak Turkish, for me it was so easy. She asked if we could stow our bags with the owners of the cafe and off we went to explore the old city of Bursa. Later, we took another city bus to the terminal for long distance buses where we caught one to Eskisehir then another tram too our couchsurfing destination. https://www.couchsurfing.org
I don't mean this to become a travel blog post but I feel as though my travel with Mary was somehow freeing, maybe because I did not worry about the new things we were doing, couchsurfing being one of them. The next day we took a high speed train, the first in Turkey, to Konya. My ticket was half price due to being a yasli kadin (older woman) and was happy to pay less as a senior citizen for many of our bus tickets too. Our destination day 2 was Guzleyurt in Kapadokya. We wandered around the ancient stone village, once Greek but in the 1920's Greeks were sent to Greece and Turks from Greece to Turkey, no matter than most had been living happily for generations and did not speak their "national" languages. Once settled in our 200 year old stone "hotel" rooms we planned our hike for the next day, a 16 kilometre walk through the Ilhara Valley, home to 400 cave churches from long ago. To get there we had to hitchhike as there really was no other way other than a rental car. Again, I have to say this was freeing and we met wonderful people, both tourists and Turks using this mode of transport. Towards the end of the hike, we found ourselves on the wrong side of the river as the path ended up against a steep cliff. It was either hike back at least 1.5 hours to cross a bridge with the same distance to cover again or ford the river. It was scary for me but with Mary's encouragement and our trusty hiking poles, we did it~~another first for me.

Enough of the travel log but I wanted to use some examples to explain how good it all felt to travel without boundaries or concrete plans and with Mary who made it so easy for me. I am sure there were many times when I was slow or annoying but we hung in there and had so much fun. SE Turkey was a whole new experience and for a glimpse of it go to Mary's short blog she wrote today. http://www.esperanzaeducation.ca/blog/travel/3-places-to-see-in-southeastern-turkey

Now back in Vancouver, I start a new round of medical appointments with the knowledge that breast cancer is still part of my life but that it does not own me and I have lost much of the fear that surrounded me for so long. Clearly travel was good for me!

Mary and I enjoying tea on the river part way along our Ilhara Valley hike.

Yes, we will ford the river!

Boots had to go around my neck~~thank goodness for hiking poles!

Sanliurfa mosque

Mary, my lovely travel companion and faithful servant as she called herself often.

Diyarbakir city walls

Old madrase in Mardin~~not sure what the elephant was doing there!

Trekking in Nepal~~first goal accomplished!

For the first time since July 18, 2012 when I found THE LUMP, I have actually gone through days where I have not thought about breast cancer. Or when I have thought about it, it has been in a different light. Last week I trekked in the Himalaya for the first time since May, 2012 which was just two months short of my diagnosis. I just read the post I wrote in November, 2012 back when I had only recently started the long and hard months of chemotherapy and then I stated that I would be back in the mountains of Nepal this spring.

I chose to arrive in Kathmandu two weeks before my group so that I could do a trek on my own. I did not really feel that I had trained enough through the winter in part due to the lingering effects from radiation and I suppose chemotherapy and in December the reconstruction surgery which set me back even further. However I did walk a lot and as always yoga was a big part of the return to feeling better both mentally and physically. I left Vancouver exhausted to be honest, so spent a few days relaxing, having hour long massages and enjoying the solitude.

Last week I retraced many steps from two previous solo treks in the Helmabu area of the Himalayas and with a journal from 2012 I was able to compare my abilities this time. I have worn a heart rate monitor for most of my treks and was happy to see that, while my HR is high, it always is and it was not much different than before. I felt as though I stopped a lot on the climbs but in reality I was only about 10% slower on the uphills and probably just as fast on the downhills. I had a great time and the hospitality of the Sherpa people (Tibetan heritage) was wonderful. I drank fresh boiled milk only minutes from a cow, ate healthy vegetarian food, drank  no alcohol and managed just fine at 2500 meters (just over 7500 feet).

Now I am back in Kathmandu and in an hour Razzu, my good friend and the owner of Samsara Journeys and I will head to the airport to pick up Kath, the first of the group to arrive. Kath is one of my daughter's best friends and it will be fun to introduce her to to Kathmandu~~hmmm Kath/Kathmandu. Tomorrow Dick's sister and her partner Pat arrive from NZ and by Saturday night all 17 adventurers will be here. Tuesday we start our trek to Annapurna Base Camp, another familiar route to me. I never thought I would want to continue to trek in the same places but since breast cancer it is somehow comforting. I also love to introduce others to the magic of Nepal. It continues to be one, if not the poorest countries in Asia but I think that is just one more reason to spend time here~~it can open eyes and hearts to a whole different culture and way of life. We from the west take much for granted. For most of the population of this country, cancer is a death sentence as there is literally no money to pay for treatment let alone surgery.

We will visit a school on Sunday in Bodhinath, where the largest Buddhist stupa in the world is and our group will have a glimpse of what can happen when people come together to take care of very poor children. SMD school is a non profit that educates 800 students, 600 of them boarders. We have been supporting a young girl for two years now and coincidentally, my yoga studio in Vancouver also supports a student at SMD as does Razzu and his family. The world is connected in many ways and with education much can happen.

Enough said, I am so happy to be back here and know how lucky I am in so many ways.

Namaste,

Marian

A New Year....

Yes, it is 2014 and already February. Today is my son Steven's 25th birthday and it occurred to me that I may not be around in another quarter century to celebrate his 50th. But I don't see that as a scary thought, but rather as reality. There is often discussion with my breast cancer buddies about recurrence and how we feel about it. I feared it mightily last summer and into the fall. But now I feel more at peace and know that should my cancer recur, I will deal with it then and not worry unnecessarily about it now. I try to live each day with the knowledge that I am lucky to be alive and often the smallest things make me realize how true this is. Snowdrops about to bloom, our chicken Fluffy laying her first eggs this week~~these are all wondrous things. I talked on Skype Friday to my daughter Mary who is living an adventurous life in Turkey. She plans to cross into Iraq this week to return to Turkey with a new passport and this might have in the past, concerned me but now I know I have no need to worry~~she will be fine. It is out of my hands.

It has been a long 18 months since my diagnosis and much has happened in that time. My reconstruction surgery did take place Dec. 6 and though it was seemingly successful, it took a toll on me and it was weeks before I felt semi-normal. Another anesthetic, more recovery, more physiotherapy, adjustment to a "foob" or fake boob as well as to an augment on my "real" breast. The reality that I will never have feeling in that foob nor in much of my right arm and underarm is not all that easy to assimilate. But gradually, the pain and tightness has receded and as always, I will adjust to another new normal.

Christmas Eve, Steven and I flew to Toronto and then on to Barbados to meet my husband Dick and son Andy who had just successfully crossed the Atlantic in our catamaran Van Kedisi. Though it seemed to everyone else that I was lucky to escape winter in Canada and spend time with my family, it was initially super challenging as I felt terrible and movement was not easy, especially climbing in and out of our dinghy and moving around in a constantly swaying space. But gradually I started to feel better and even snorkeled one day from the dinghy on a couple of wrecks in the bay. That day I was able to laugh at myself as it took all 3 guys to haul me back in the boat as I honestly could not pull myself out with the still very sore surgical sites.

We had some very challenging sailing over a week from Barbados to Antigua and I was glad that I was just a "passenger" in high winds, squalls and big seas. I felt vulnerable and at times intimidated by it all but my guys were impressed that I was even there! By the third week I started to feel myself and was able to swim often and enjoy the warmth and newness of the Caribbean.

I  have been back home for 10 days and with a departure for Nepal March 6, my focus is on walking and yoga daily. I had hoped to snowshoe but the west coast has been blessed with little snow so far. My goal for the past several months has been trekking in Nepal and though I suspect I will be slow, I know I can do it. I will do a week long trek on my own with a guide/porter so once my group arrives I should be fit and ready for the Annapurnas. There was so much interest in this Nepal adventure that I ended up with a wait-list and so another trip is planned for October should anyone be interested.

http://samsarajourneys.com/fixed_departure_adventure_nepal_fall.php

Trekking in Nepal just two months before my diagnosis I am sure was what gave me strength during the worst times in treatment and now that I am going back, I feel that strength returning.

There are always silver linings no matter how desperate things seem. My good friend David Greer, who coincidentally was a crew member on the Atlantic crossing, heard about a scholarship program for breast cancer women. He wrote a very moving essay in support of me receiving one of these 8 scholarships and lo and behold, I was one of those chosen. At the end of May I will join 7 other women who have had breast cancer in a yoga/horse retreat. Truly a silver lining!

http://www.bigskyyogaretreats.com/cowgirlcancer.html

I love this family photo even though Mary is missing. Steven and Andy are growing their hair long enough to donate to our cancer agency for use in wigs for women who have also lost their hair due to chemotherapy. The other photo was taken in a bay in Martinique. I had been left alone on board while the guys checked us out NY's day and it was one of the few times I felt afraid~~the winds were very high and the boat was swinging wildly and my fear was that we would drag anchor and I would not remember what to do. Of course nothing happened and it was a beautiful NY's day sailing along the coast of Martinique.